Beauty In Chaos 

over the course of my life i have gotten the phrase “i dont deserve you”.

some would be flattered to hear that.

some may take pride in receiving such a statement.

some may even not know what to do with it.

for me, i get confused.

why would you say that, to even the brightest of persons? 

i guess i speak in a sense that, we are all not perfect.

i may have people who look up to me.

i may have a lot of wisdom beyond my years.

and i may know the difference for healthy versus not healthy if anyone came to me for life-advice.

but to say that “you dont deserve me” is to say that i am too good for you.

better than what you think you deserve…

but what you may not know, 

is that i may look like a beautiful garden on the surface,

but my core is made up of dirt. roots. and bugs that i cant even pronounce.

down below, where the sun dont shine… there are untold stories, hidden secrets, and wounds that do not seem to heal…

every one looks at my garden.

they stare. they wonder. they admire. 

but they dont fertilize, they dont weed, they dont tend to my garden…

i dont blame them…

because the path to me, is rough.

it is not easy.

looks can be deceiving.

i may look beautiful on the outside,

but as soon as you enter my soils,

who knows what chemical i have protected my beauty with,

who knows what grows on my stems,

who knows what it means to “reach me”….

only i know that answer.

and i am telling you…

stay on the other side of that fenced area…

there is rott in my soil and i can only tend to what i can…

it takes a gardener to help me trust that the rest of me may come alive,

that the rest of me may be pure on the inside…

i will rip you apart before i believe you when you say that you are an experienced gardener…     

all to many times have i been trampled over,

touched in unhealing ways,

left to dry,

they suck, suck, suck, the water out of me,

the moisture,

they never once took care of the trail that led to me…

so….excuse me,

while i continue to protect what it is that i do have…

and excuse me if i hurt you in the process.

its not easy, this garden….   

beauty only goes so far.

-LH

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